How to win your age group in a swimming race

My fool-proof plan for any fool:

1. Make sure few, if any, racers are also in your age group; by any means necessary, if necessary.
2. Badger and cajole race officials into narrowing the age group by needless constraints.
3. Be old … er … ish.
4. Don't drown.

— or —

5. Stagger out of the water like an evolutionary throwback, and become pleasantly surprised that all three conditions conspired to make you the recipient of the hallowed blue ribbon.

I went with Step 5 in the 500-meter race, finishing at 11 minutes, 41 seconds and a few tenths (think of the iconic running scene from Chariots of Fire, except without music or the need for slow-mo camera effects, and swimming instead of running, of course) at the Spring Lake (Santa Rosa) 2011 Swim Saturday.  Nonetheless, I trounced the male, 45-49 age bracket.  I might also have taken home second- and third-place ribbons in that category, but the race sponsors were not feeling that generous.