To wit: The worthless ephemera that bedevils my days and distracts me from being a useful citizen of the world.
Let me bore you with details:
Vanity, thy name is obvious: If you're going to the trouble and expense of getting a vanity license plate, why get one that says:
?It's for a Brown Audi SQ5 sport utility vehicle. I can tell because the vehicle right in front of me at the stoplight is brown, and the chrome raised letters on the tailgate — not a foot from the license plate — reads SQ5.
Really, that's how you want to fritter money and paperwork?
(I changed the color and car model to protect the real Captain Obvious; but If you happen own a Brown Audi SQ5 with this license plate, what's the matter with you?)
Almost as bad: Whoever gets a plate that reads, for example,
MY C250Thanks, "My." Also, you could have just gotten a regular plate for the same effect.
If you're gonna do this, do it right. Roaming the Interwebs right now is a picture of a white Nissan Cube with Utah plates that spell out the chemical signature of a sugar (glucose) molecule C6H12O6.
My aunt's husband did it right, too, way back when vanity plates were a novelty. His made the legendary Herb Caen's San Francisco Chronicle column, as I understand it, for 2TH FERY (he was an orthodontist) and 7ISENUF (for his new blended family).
Everything else is a wasteful gesture.
Paper trail: Last Easter, while Nancy was away taking care of her parents, I was a bachelor in need of six items at Safeway®™.
(Yes, I've stored away a blog item for more than a year.)For that, the cashier gave me a receipt and assorted coupons amounting to 19 inches of paper (right).
They fluttered like heraldic banners behind me until I stopped at an empty checkout stand to fold them, four times, into my wallet.
It's bedtime literature. Now I know
- my cashier's name
- that I needed three more points for a free sandwich, which I never eventually got — mostly because I don't read my receipts
- that I can take an online survey (in which I might have asked why Safeway©™why it needs 19 inches of paper to document six grocery items)
- that the gasoline discount program requires a great deal of explanation
The receipt does nothing more now than fill a file drawer of other multiply folded pieces of paper, deferring their cyclical journey to the recycling bin until the taxman saith I can.
Johnny Football loves you: I hate ESPN™© because ESPN®™ hates baseball.
The sports network seems to do it all it can to avoid covering baseball. I'd bet a fair bit of money that if you turned to SportCenter™® right at this moment, somebody will be talking about quarterback Johnny Manziel and his chances in the upcoming National Football League draft. ESPN©™ loves Johnny Manziel, can't stop talking about him, because it if does, it might have to talk about baseball.
Baseball season has begun, so like sucking on a toothache I flip to ESPN™® just in case it has changed its policy on covering baseball. Nope. Johnny Manziel®™. National Basketball Association playoffs. Johnny Manziel©™. National Hockey League playoffs. NFL draft.
This is the ESPN coverage breakdown:
- Football — NFL, college and draft blather — 87 percent
- Basketball — NBA, college and the umpteenth edition of who's the best: Michael Jordan®™, LeBron James©™ or Kobe Bryant®©? (And isn't Kevin Durant™ worthy of consideration?) — 7 percent
- Lacrosse and auto racing — 2 percent
- Tiger Woods®™ — 2 percent
- Hockey — 1 percent
- New York Yankees®©, Boston Red Sox™® and Los Angeles Dodgers©® — 0.8 percent
- The rest of baseball, including how the San Francisco Giants®™ are never gonna win the World Series™® — 0.2 percent
[On the other hand, I like an ESPN®™ show, Highly Questionable, that I stumbled on last week. It's just two sports commentators, Dan Le Batard and Bomani Jones — and Dan's dad, Gonzalo, a big fan of sports and a bigger fan of his son (he leads into commercials with, "Coming up next on my son's TV show …") — sitting at a tiny chrome-and-Formica™© kitchen table answering video-clip-aided current events questions, some of them about sports.
[The hosts like each other. It's like having coffee with three people who know way more about sports than me, but don't make me feel bad about it.]
OK, got that out of my system. Until next time.
Now to important matters: Happy birthday to Jeanette Shearer and Willie Mays.