Today only!

Feast with me, won't you, on today's low-hanging fruit.

My email has fallen into ruins. Soon and somehow, I need to fix it. But I have found it entertaining to see what spam I attract, and good for my right wrist to press "delete" hundreds of times at a sitting, and click "erase deleted items" at the end.

In a 24-hour period yesterday, I received 314 emails, a typical haul. Eight emails were from people I know, sending me real information about real work — updates on a freelance project, or a matter to take care of in my absence.

The rest is a torrent of sales pitches: Relentless, rolling, arriving in batches of bizarre themes. My computer signals incoming emails with the cartoon sound effect of an arrow finding a hollow target — thock! Were I in my home office all day, this barrage of email would have sounded like an archery tournament.

I attempted literally to chart the emails I hauled in yesterday, to track the themes. I had created a table in a word processing document, listing the addressee, the subject line, and some detail about the email itself. Then I erased each email, one at a time. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Long after I should have quit, I actually did: The list of junk teetered virtually over my head, overwhelming me. Once the trends became clear, I resorted to pen and paper, writing down the theme, then ticking off each repeated email.

I charted enough to note the peculiar grammar of the email subject lines, enough to tell me these may not be the people they say they are. They might not even be people; I hope they're not. I'd hate to be the people who slave away in dank cubicles, sending me this stuff.

Let me get the usual players out of the way first. I get a lot of political stuff; maybe you do too. I have not encouraged this. At one time in my young life, I registered as a Democrat. Even though I belong to no party now, that doesn't stop the Democratic Party and anything tangentially related.

So I get "personal" emails from House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, usually for money ($3 is the key amount asked for from not only Pelosi but Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid, among other leaders). Send $3 or the GOP will destroy us, or the terrorists win, or global warming will end us all. Send $3. My favorite has been when Democratic leaders have asked me to sign a birthday card for President Obama.

The Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee sends for money all the time, as does the Human Rights Council, LeftAction (Sign this petition!), Credo Action (Sign that petition!), Everytown for Gun Safety, Environmental Action and some global activist group called Avaaz.

A Democratic-leaning "news" aggregate called The Daily Kos has lived up to its name. "I need Shawn Turner to read this email," it announced yesterday.

It has been a small swarm of email pests, nothing too concerning. Not even the relentless receipt of emails from a congressional candidate named Pete Aguilar, who is running for office somewhere in Southern California and really has no business sending me stuff. My own congressional representative sends far less stuff.

Toss in the other usuals — Angie's List wants me to find a plumber through them; something called AI-AP sends photography and illustration updates even though I never asked; Dodge Ridge sends me ski updates even though I don't ski; Lakeshore Learning sends me store sales even though I haven't taught school in years and all I did was step into their amazingly expensive store a couple of times — and I had still been OK with it.

I could still easily distinguish real emails from the trash.

Now I'm not so sure. I have been afraid lately that I tossed out important emails in my daily delete fest. Real emails are needles in this haystack.

The subjects run in seasonal trends. I had been getting a lot of rather direct sex pitches, from women with exotic names, using strange characters to substitute for dirty words, saying they're lonely.

Those have disappeared, and entirely different themes have taken their place.

When I take the emails as a whole, I wonder what the spamming world thinks of me. I think it has decided I am old and either terrified of it, or am wealthy and lack the sense to hang onto my money.

These are the current trends. In one day I received:

• Fourteen emails from women with vaguely familiar names — sometimes with asterisks between their first and last names — sending the exact same thing: Some fat-reducing substance endorsed by daytime talk show host Rachael Ray and daytime health huckster Dr. Mehmet Oz.
  
  The email includes a picture each of Ray and Oz.
  
  Under the picture of Ray is the caption: Rachael investigates a weird weight loss solution that is quickly gaining popularity in the United States and around the world!
  
  Under the picture of Oz is the caption: Dr. Oz has not endorsed any product, only the ingredients within Forskolin
  
  Such as water! Dr. Oz endorses water! Clever doctor, one step ahead of the lawsuits.
  
  The women with vaguely familiar names always vary the amount of weight Rachael Ray has claimed to have lost from this product, and always refers to a different episode number, such as Episode #0920991.
  
  Like that makes it authentic.
• Nine emails about products to seal and protect my garage floors
• Nine emails about vacation packages — to Ireland! The Bahamas! Africa! On a cruise!
• Seven emails for a product that tracks my keys by using my smart phone
• Eleven emails for a diabetes cure
• Fifteen emails for disease cures in general — two for pulmonary problems, plus gout, anxiety disorders, nerve pain, herpes, hearing loss, ADHD, bad back and bad feet
• Nine emails for good deals on medical insurance, naturally
• Ten emails from the vitamin dealer GNC, with one of two pictures: A noir photo a virile young man embracing a woman, the product of desire floating over their heads; or a close crop of a woman's plump legs standing on a scale. Just in case I'm a man or woman
• Six emails telling me acids are injected into vegetables and that's bad for me. Singer/actress Jennifer Hudson found this out, in a single quixotic campaign, apparently. Thank you, Jennifer Hudson!
• Three emails for Dr. Oz' memory pills. If Rachael Ray and Dr. Oz are part of these email schemes, to make more money than they already have, shame on their hides!
• Nine email pitches to replace my windows. These also come from people with vaguely familiar names, and they don't particularly care which brand I pick. Each one, though exactly the same, promotes a different brand
• Eleven emails for jobs, always from a different person, always with a different number of jobs ideally suited to the résumé I never sent
• Emails pitching beautiful women, from Colombia, Brazil, the Philippines!
• Six emails showing how a device the government doesn't want me to know about will pull energy from thin air
• Nine emails for a pill that stops heart attacks — as seen on NBC, CBS, ABC and Fox!
• Eight emails that I should buy a walk-in tub
• Four emails that I should reroof
• Ten emails to attend online schools, for medical billing, teaching and coding

New trends have emerged. I get more and more emails of variations on Obama as the Antichrist. One from a Mr. Lionel Sanders comes with the title, "Bible Prediction: Obama's Scary Truths Exposed"

It is one of the few of the 314 emails that my powerful email system has color coded and marked as spam. How this one got tagged but not emails suggesting I buy my own jet or yacht (STOP GAWKING AT THE LUXURIOUS YACHTS AT HARBOR!), or buy insurance for my pet, is beyond my puny wisdom.

Along those lines, I'm getting emails that the National Security Administration is spying on me right now — which may very well be true — and I can click here for a record of the NSA's report on me.

I get a daily sprinkling of emails for Voice over Internet Protocol phone deals, hair loss, snoring cures, mortgage relief, "weird ab trick" drugs, gift cards (I am a treasured customer of Marriott, where I have never been), a chance at a time-share, copper socks, auto repair, printer ink, business marketing help, divorce discounts, and cannabis oil for my e-cigarette. Ad nauseam.

Three different people told me about the same single stay-at-home mom who made $89,944 a year, and how I can do the same. The graphic on the email indicates she made $88,844, but who's counting?

Who's even paying attention? Not the people — if they are indeed people — sending me email.

Verbatim from one of the electricity-from-thin-air pitches: "80% of On your electric Bill using thin - Air."

From a walk-in tub pitcher: "The cost Of a Walk In - Tub; is less Than The."

What's with the random punctuation? The sentences that stop in mid-sentence?


If this daily sales frenzy has a common denominator, it's that I have to ACT FAST! Almost all the pitches urge that I must act today to take advantage of this amazing SECRET deal that OBAMA doesn't want me to KNOW about!

Somehow I doubt that.

I've gotta fix this thing, before I get a notion to seal my garage floor.

You don't say!

Judging by my email, you'd think I'm a popular ne'er-do-well, accustomed to the finer things in life, or knockoffs thereof. I'm well connected if not endowed, but an inch or so more would rock the worlds of many and sundry Russian and Ukrainian women eager to meet me.

And that's before we even get to the spam.

Daily I receive email along general themes. Here are some verbatim:

• I need Viagra®©™ or Cialis™®© or both, or more, because my sex life suffers so:

Someone sent me this thoughtful how-d'you-do?:

Hi. Can't make love for hours?

You can't return you youth, but our capsules can return your carnal potential of youth! Best goods for boosting your bone-on in our www-store!

Mysterious centimetres, your girlfriend will not start missing.

Just this morning I told my wife how I miss the carnal potential of youth. That's how we talk. Though I suspect Yoda wrote the copy. They use the metric system on Dagobah, right?

Another concerned citizen got right to the point:   

he sexual amplifier, take, to apply, and f*@# on f*@#

I'm not sure what this citizen means, exactly, but I'm starting to sweat. (Editor's note: I replaced actual letters with typographic substitutes so as not to offend those who've yet to their carnal potential.)

Someone named Carol Sanchez sent me an email titled, "Boob job gone way wrong … to your bed." Cleverly naughty twist of phrase, you saucy Carol.

• Amply endowed, I'll have binders full of women at my disposal:

Every person dreams about meeting a soul mate. 

We can-t know when it will happen, but if we hold out for it, we can have quite a success. 

International marriage site is one of the modern means of romantic communication for the men who wish to meet Russian or the Ukrainian mates.
Everything is comfortable and there is always a chance to meet|to find lifelong love Hundreds of Russian women are waiting for their out-and-outers and and maybe it-s you!

Though I-d have thought people from Ukraine don-t like outsiders to say they-re from "The Ukraine" (which means the adjective form wouldn't be "the Ukrainian"), the International marriage site has set me straight. I-m an out-and-outer (everybody says so) so I-m definitely holding out to have quite a success. Unless the International marriage site is the one holding out for it, which would be OK too.

• But my health is in question:

Already bought a Christmas tree? And how about immunity? Don't forget about
your health, go to our drugstore here!

Immunity — for the Christmas tree? Is it here from Oregon without proper paperwork? (I got this email in mid-September, I know not where, but I admire the sender's assumption that I am Christmas' most zealous fan). It's good to know there's a Rite Aid®©™ in "the cloud" anytime I need it, where I can grab a Doug fir and vitamin supplement in one click of a link, but I'll pass for now, thanks.

• I am a man of distinction, watch-wise. Can't have too many fake-label watches, is what my dad always told me:

Stunning product: you get a quality watch! Awesome communication: I've must have asked the customer support staff millions of detailed questions and all questions were answered courteously and quickly! I will certainly be recommending all my friends.

Had rather not I

Here, possibly having tired from all that question asking and friend recommending, the sender died before finishing the last cryptic sentence. It smacks of counterpoint, as if this quality watch customer wasn't completely sold. I'll never know.

This watch seller has no doubts:

The watch of your vision has become reasonable today. Then visit our shop where we present a wide variety of watches with the full 100% unique pictures and description.

The best mixture of price and value for a person with an standard income.

The seller knows me so well: I would not put up with 93 percent unique pictures of 100 percent fake watches, not on an standard income. Watch and learn, all you other fake watch sellers. Get it? Watch and learn?

That seller's got a viable competitor, though, one who speaks the unctuous language of laminated luxury that sets me on fire:

Luxury costs money but brings a lot good impressions for years – Prestige offer you the best quality goods on the lowest price you can only find.

Don't buy cheap-looking replicas even if you will be offered very a low price as they will not last long. We have also a live support on phone line available for customers to contact us and provided money refund or reshipping in case you are not satisfied or have receive a damaged watch.

Buy nice-looking replicas, that's key. Also key is bracing for the alarming likelihood I'll  receive a damaged watch. But you know what they say: You can only find.

• Still, maybe I'm a woman. My email minions can't tell for sure, what with my unisex name. Enlargement may not be what I seek. So senders cover all their bases:

Just change your style depending on your mood: the past you were a commerce lady, now you just want to wear jeans and a top and tomorrow you require to dress up for an vital banquet.

Because there is no dissimilarity between them and the real ones except for the cost.

It's true. I was a commerce lady — target marketing has come of age! — but that's over now. I crave an vital banquet. This email may have been about watches; I'm not sure. Doesn't matter — the copywriter wields magic: I had to read that last sentence over and over, fascinated. I think it means the people I'm trying to fool won't know they're being fooled. Is that what you deciphered?

The same copywriter put the sparkle into this captivating pitch (I know, because he/she embedded the same "dissimilarity" gem). Still not sure what I was being pitched, though:

You can even choose a pair of them to match all your suits.
Because there is no dissimilarity between them and the real ones except for the cost.
                                                                                          
Buy it for gifts to your girlfriends and friends. At us the good bargain! Such assortment of the goods is not present at anybody.

See? Why merely say, "Nobody can beat our assortment!" when you can assert the assortment is not present at anybody? Poetry! You had me at the good bargain.

• UPS®© keeps trying to deliver me some package. Nevermind it comes from a different person each time; just click here so we can all get this thing to you! For example:

Guter Tag, shawn.

Dear Client , We were not able to delivery the postal package
PLEASE FILL IN ATTACHED FILE WITH RIGHT ADDRESS AND RESEND TO YOUR PERSONAL MANAGER.
With Respect To You , Your UPS TEAM.

If I had a personal manager, he/she would make sure UPS©™ had the right address, because of course that's UPS'™© biggest problem, finding places. This package appears to be coming from Germany, which is good because I'm running mighty low on streuselkuchen.

• FedEx tells me the same story:

We apologize, but it seem so, that we not can deliver your package. One of our trucks is burned tonight. In attachment you can find a form for insurance. Please fill it out and send it us urgent, because we must told amount of damage to the Insurance company.

Dunno much about the express shipment industry (or I might be working in it), but I'm guessing FedEx might already have the information they seek. Maybe it has a tough insurance processing union, featherbedding the shop with a lot of needless pencil pushers.

It seem so.

• I'm bad at business:

According to the violation of the paragraph  ?§9.6.6 of our contract, we're obliged to inform you that we're breaking the contract with you. You can find the original letter with signatures and stamps attached as well as the legal basis for this step after you follow this link. 

This is a bummer. I missed the paragraph referred to from that subsection, having missed the contract entirely, which was probably the problem. Maybe it was sent via that German UPS™®© team. Just my bad luck it was for a six-figure job, probably. I wonder what I'd be doing. Or selling. Or whatever.

Apparently customers are also breathing down my neck:

Dear business owner, we have received a complaint about your company possible involvement in check cashing and Money Order Scam.

You are asked to provide response to this complaint within 7 days.

Failure to provide the necessary information will result in downgrading your Better Business Bureau rating and possible cancellation of your BBB accreditation status.

It wasn't my non-existent Better Business Bureau accreditation status that made me think this is not an authentic threat, nor my paucity of checks to cash or money orders to scam. It was the sender's inability to use the possessive when referring to my company's possible involvement in this crime.

Got a string of these, though. Somebody who doesn't exist is really, really pissed.

• Despite my shady business reputation, someone out there likes me:

What's up?
You asked my advice as to how to succeed in your job.
You are a skilled worker, but you need a diploma.

Here are the contacts:
Please call to us in USA:I6-035O-92O01 and Outside USA: +16-O35o-920o11
Call and leave your name and tel. number (with your country code) and wait
for them to call back.

I hope this information will help you

Helpful?! Are you kidding me?? I know this'll work because even the people who would normally answer the phone are busy handing out the diplomas. I just need to be careful when to dial zero or a capital "O" when I call, or who knows whom I'll reach? I'll be right here by the phone, waiting for their call.

In completely different news:

The San Francisco Giants, down three games to one in the National League Pennant race, came back to crush the St. Louis Cardinals 9-0 in the seventh and final game Monday night to advance to the World Series. Their toughest enemy that night turned out to be a ninth-inning deluge that threatened to cause a rain delay. 

The Giants had never won any Game 7 ever (neither the New York nor San Francisco iteration) before Monday night. Only 11 other Major League teams have come back from a 3-1 deficit to win a seven-game series. The Giants had to win all of the last three games to advance to the World Series, just as they had to win all of the last three games in the five-game series against the Cincinnati Reds to get to the league championship.

The Giants did so by putting on a hitting clinic, and by having three of their starters (Barry Zito, Ryan Vogelsong and Matt Cain) make fools of the Cards from the mound and at the plate. Each starter drove in key runs with sneaky and improbable hits.

Now the Giants face the Detroit Tigers Wednesday in World Series Game 1. Of course, I fear the worst.

But you know what I always say: Boost your bone-on.

Amaze imagination of your girlfriend!

Morning coffee comes with a middling ritual — ridding my email of bilge.

Please tell me I'm not the only one who finds email yields more weeds than fruit.

The important stuff chokes amid the solicitations to purchase discount drugs from Canada, various sex enhancements, and mail-in college degrees.

Russian women tell me I, and I alone, am man enough to marry them.

Almost every morning urgent messages warn that the package I didn't ship requires additional payment to reach its destination, that the job I didn't apply for puts me at considerable risk from cyber terrorists if I don't click here, that the flight I didn't book will be canceled unless I act immediately.

These phishing expeditions change over time. Nigerian princes have long since stopped asking me to help them dislodge their offshore assets for a cut of the booty. Fake facebook notices don't pop up as much either; they stopped shortly after I joined facebook and might have been fooled by the notices; almost was, too, except that the logo bore something almost imperceptibly inauthentic, a tiny truncation of letterform, a slight fuzziness. The facebook phishers had only a brief window before I figured out how facebook really notifies me, and they phailed to get me to click where they wanted.

Of the junk email that still bombards my inbox, I've noticed a decline in their vigor. They appear to be copies of copies of copies, and something additional falls apart with each iteration that loops through.

"Pharmacy" becomes "pharamcy" and "Canada" turns into "Canadiana." "Viagra™©®" is almost always "Vigara®©™" now. The Russian women, struggling heroically with a second language to begin with, are having more trouble than usual with English. The more urgent the warning, the more likely and frequent the misspelling, right at the start, with the most common words ("teh") tripping the phishers' phiendish desires.

Now the degradation is nearly complete, the recombinant DNA shredded to unlinked electronic proteins, made senseless.

For wonderful example, I received these two messages this week. My best guess is that I could purchase products that would render me anatomically irresistible and unwavering, if only I would click the link provided.

In the message line of the first was this:  "I have tasted, at me it has turned out. And you?"

The message? "Men have bought 150 000 packings, and you where were?"'

I am missing a huge opportunity (pun probably intended), but I don't know exactly what.

The message line for the second: "The small... It is a shame.? Look and operate"

The message: Amaze imagination of your girlfriend.

It's licentious and prurient and inviting. And funny, unfortunately for whoever sent it (or whatever web bot kicked it to me). This makes sense in some language, and I'd love to know what.

My only recourse is to wait out the waves of wanton email until the source materials degrade completely into random syllables — and never ever use the Internets again.

Look and operate.

(Ignoring the 9/11 show, by the way. I have said all I can say about it … and nothing has changed, inside or out.)